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Chapter8 Well fall had arrived, and not much had changed
Chapter8 Well fall had arrived, and not much had changed
Well fall had arrived, and not much had changed in my marriage.
Harry continued to drink, and thus vent his frustration on me. I continued to seek shelter here and there. Seemed nothing was ever good enough. Harry had finally gone to court about the child support issues, and both ladies got what they were after. It wasn’t very much, but still Harry act as if it was the end of the world. Harry took Debra to court, and tried without success to get some of his personal property. Items we didn’t really need, but he felt she had no right too. He went to court and argued that his mother had given him the bedroom set she was now using to entertain other men. He also wanted to get the washer and dryer he said his father bought for him in his first marriage. He based his need for these items on sentimental value, saying that his first wife did not get them in their divorce so why should Debra?
He didn’t care that he still had children there. He was just bitter about knowing thanks to Jesse that Debra had some man living there now. One night he got in my car went there and threatened to drive into the house if she did not, get whoever was in there out! He told her that was his house, and that she had no right to have a man there. He didn’t care that the courts had told him he had no right’s. Because his family made sure of that when he went to court.
His sister’s testified that the items in the house belonged with the house, and that Harry was not the owner of the house or the items. I thought this is terrible, no matter what he tries to do his family is steady trying to undermine him. They act as if Debra was now family, and Harry was a stranger or something. Yet I continued to bare the brunt of all this anger, and I often wondered if they even knew what all I was going through.
My stress level stayed dangerously high, and it seemed that now Harry was starting to vent a lot of his frustration on Nookie as well. We could be sitting watching t.v. and he would just come in and change the channel, whenever he felt like it! He would tell her stuff like, ” your Daddy ain’t shit ” if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have anything.” I would tell him that is not necessary, and I would remind him she is a child. She had done nothing to him, and it was funny how when we were living together, he made a point of giving her anything she thought she wanted. But Tami remained the most precious thing to him.
As far as he was concerned she was his life. He would sit and play with her for hours on end, giving no thought to sharing his love or interest with me or Nookie. I really wondered how a person could change so quickly from a warm caring person, into a resentful and tormenting Creep. Whenever he was home I made a point of trying to keep Nookie away from his anger. I had made up in my mind that, if he ever tried to hurt her that would be the time he would surely have to die! She was in the fourth grade, and grades which were once all A’s had started to turn into D’s. The school would call and tell me she just will not participate, and I would constantly tell her that she had to do her work in order to not have to look forward to depending on a man.
Christmas came and I made sure they all got as much as I could afford to get. I took pictures of them opening their gift’s, and in my heart I couldn’t help but wonder if I had anything. Every time he left I would look under the tree, hoping to see a present with my name on it. The only thing I got was a vase that Nookie had bought at school for me. I convinced myself that Christmas really wasn’t about getting gift’s. The purpose was to make sure your family was happy. I had bought him Sansabelt slack’s and shirts to match, among other items. I hoped he would really see that I was trying very hard to make him happy, but needless to say it was not long before he was drinking and clowning again. My first Christmas as a bride was as sad as my wedding night. Oh well this is life and so I made the best of it.
New year’s arrived and with it another year of abuse. I was still very sick, and having to go to the doctor once a week was making me as tired and miserable as he was. Income tax time had came, and with it the first real sign from Harry that he was pleased to have a wife, well all the dependents. That year he got back $4,100.00 and we took and bought furniture with it.
Finally my house was starting to look like a real home, I was use to having nice furniture and pretty objects to enjoy. But even the joy of that was taken away, as shortly after the furniture arrived again I was forced to flee for safety.
This time I went to the rescue mission, and even though they had roaches the room they gave me was very large and decorated really nice. I had a window with a view, and they also put a crib in there for the baby. It was a lot different then the shelter, they didn’t ask as many questions, and there was not many people there. During my stay there they provided us with clothing, and personal items such as toiletries. I even had a private bathroom, and often as I bathed I wished this was in fact my little safe home.
Luckily for me their driveway went around the back of the building so I never had to worry about the car being seen from the street. But still I missed being home a lot, but being here I felt welcomed, and very safe. Everything was going fine until Harry start calling up there. One night the lady even told me that she was somewhat afraid, because Harry had been calling and threatening to harm me when he caught me outside of the place. Needless to say my anxiety was starting to mount again, and instead of sleeping at night, I often just sat and looked out the window. They told me as long as I was there I didn’t have anything to worry about, and that anytime I needed to leave just call them and they would watch for me to come back.
For the first time in my life I found myself appreciating the charity that was now being provided for me and my children. In my heart I knew there was a reason I was giving to the bell ringers every year at Christmas, and now I could respect them because now they were showing me a whole new meaning of giving. I stayed there for about two weeks, and there was not a day that I didn’t wonder if Harry would attack me. One night he called there so much, that I was really afraid for their safety as well as for my own. I told the lady there that maybe it would be best if I just leave. God knows I could not live with myself if anything happened to anyone.
The stress was really taking a toll on me, and one snowy night I decided I just had to leave. I talked with the lady there about it, and she reassured me that I was welcomed there as long as I needed it. I thanked her for all they had done, and told her it was time for me to leave. Somehow I had convinced myself that Harry would likely welcome us home. And at midnight I called to see if he was there. I got the kids and our things and left.
We went home and waited. Seemed Harry had changed the locks so I couldn’t get in. It was snowing really bad, and I knew I had to get the kids out of the car. Finally I went down to the Motorcycle club. Harry was inside and pretty wasted by that time. I left the kids in the car thinking he would come right out with me, but again he was anything but cordial when I approached him. He asked me what was I doing there. I told him that I came to get the keys so we could go home. He asked where the kids were? I told him they were out in the car. He said “are you crazy” and I said no we went home but couldn’t get in the house.
He told me to get my ass out of there, and that I was not going home until he decided I could. I asked him to please just give me the key’s. I told him I was tired and just wanted to go home. By this time he was shouting and threatening to harm me. He ordered me to leave now before he threw me out of there. Telling me to go back where I had came from, and to get the hell out of his face now! I hurried out of the club, feeling like a complete idiot, because now I had no where to go. I started driving and crying. Wondering what the hell was going wrong. I ended up back at the house, and after collecting myself tried to figure out a way to get in.
I took a brick and busted out the back window, and put Nookie inside to open the door. She came back saying she couldn’t get the door open, and I thought oh Lord he is surely gonna kill me now. I handed her the baby, and climbed belly and all into the window. What Harry had done was added deadbolt locks, and you now needed a key to get out even from the inside. I thought how dare he lock me out of my house. I have just as much right to be here as he does or so the law say’s. I sat and thought for a moment and then the panic was starting to settle in. There was a gas can sitting in the kitchen. I had Nookie take Tami back into her room, and I took the can and climbed back out the window. I went and got gas in the can, thinking this is one time he is gonna have to do the running.
Once I got back home, I took and pushed the refrigerator up against the door, and I placed the gas can by the stove. I called Chalaine and told her what he had done. I told her I was tired of being afraid, and that if he came to the house I was gonna throw the gas on him if he tried to come in. While talking on the phone I saw this shadow. I told Chalaine I think he is here, and that now we were gonna just have to see who was gonna leave. Harry came up on the door and put his key in the lock, immediately I started yelling at him to get away from the door and leave us alone. I told him that I had a can of gas, and that if he tried to come in I was gonna throw it on him.
Just as I was looking for some paper I heard him pushing on the door. I had put the chain lock on for added safety, and I was standing by the stove when he starting to kick at the door. When he kicked the door open I threw the gas in his face, and I quickly lit the newspaper and ran towards the door. He stepped away from the door then came charging towards the door again. And again I threw the gas and lit the paper and ran toward the door. I was begging him to please just leave us alone, and I told him that we just wanted to come home. He was saying he was gonna kick my ass, and so everytime he ran towards the door I threw the gas and ran towards the door with the lit newspaper. He finally got in the door, and I slipped trying to run away. I kneeled down in the corner of the kitchen and I pleaded with him not to hurt me.. When he went to swing at me his jacket brushed the stove and caught fire. He ran outside and immediately I ran to the phone. Chalaine had hung up, and I quickly dialed 911. Eventhough I thought I would be happy, I was screaming hysterically in the phone. I told the people to please send the fire dept. That my husband was burning outside. I looked up and saw him coming back in the house, and I just knew I would be dead by the time they got there. The police arrived moments later, and the first thing he said was “this Bitch just tried to kill me!” I sat on the couch in total terror, and I cried as if I knew I had just gone over the edge. The firemen came and told me to get the kids and get outside. We quickly exited the house and sat in the car. I could hear Harry telling them I was crazy, and that he was only trying to get inside to save the kids.
I heard the firemen say ” you lying son-of-a-bitch, if you wanted to save your family you would have stayed outside the first time when you knew she was lighting fire and throwing gas. He said if I was not seeing this with my own eye’s there is no way I would believe this! He said this house; this whole block should be ablaze! The firemen came to the car and talked to me. He asked me what happened and I told him I think I just tried to kill my husband. The firemen asked me again what happened, and after I told him he told me, that the LORD must really love me. He told me not only should my husband be dead but my children and myself should also be dead. He said “lady there is enough gas alone in that house to wipe out this entire block,” and he told me no the truth is that your husband just tried to get you to kill yourself!
I was still hysterical, but I heard what Harry was saying, and I heard what the firemen was saying to me. The firemen said ma’am for the love of GOD it only took a spark. You were throwing gas with one hand and running through it with lit newspaper with the other hand. He told me that there is nothing in this world that should be more precious to me then my children who were sitting in the car freezing. He said I wish there was a way we could help you realize. This is not the way you deal with a ass-hole man like Harry. Days after that I continued to think about what the fireman had said. And it was at that point in my life, that I really realized there was a GOD! I know realize but for the LORD’S mercy no I would not be here nor would I have the chance to get out of this situation.